A very there update: An enlightening Monday

This update is a little delayed but I didn't really think I needed to write about it. As it turns out, the more I think about it, the more excited I feel so I just want to share with everyone:

First off: In a way, I'm hoping word has gotten around that things just didn't work out with Derek. I didn't end up going to Canada and we are pretty much barely speaking. And to clarify: Yes I was hurt. I am still confused, but I am not mad at him. We are all human. No one can say they have never been rude, or overreacted or lashed out.
If you missed the gossip, there it is.

Now that that's out of the way...

You should all know by now, I feel like this years theme for my life is growth and change.
The year started out by getting back into church, immediately meeting a boy, meeting a bunch of people I don't know, all the while trying to get reconnected with God, clean up the past and change old habits. With all this going on, I kept feeling like I needed to get more involved. - That was as much as I knew about that. Just that I wanted too..
Anyway, I felt like there was a lot going on and I was overwhelmed.
Then, out of no where (for most of us) all that boy stuff fell apart -and as you should all know, I was REALLY into him. He took up a lot of my time and certainly a lot of my thoughts. I was devastated. It was then brought up that I wouldn't be going to Canada.
I spent about.. oh say, a good amount of time and then some, feeling really down. I was really looking forward to going (and of course, crushed that things had fallen apart as quick as they'd come.)
Since I had taken the week off long in advance (and figured it will be the last of a good chunk of time off, as the holidays are practically here!) I decided to stick with the plan, and not work that week.
Though I wasn't fishing, and had no chance of seeing a real bear in real life, the week turned out to be pretty good. I reconnected with my best friend, watched the birth of my "nephew" (Meg's new son, Aiden!) and did some really good thinking and self reflecting. I'm a little embarrassed to say that, part of my insight came from day time tv. (I just can't afford the real therapists ok!!) but what really got me was an exercise that was supposed to be done in Sunday school the week before. -
That Sunday we were all handed a sheet of paper and told to write a letter to God. We were told that it's ok to be honest with God. Be honest with your feelings. If you feel confused, tell Him. Ask for guidance
- Side note: it was also mentioned how sometimes you are right in the middle of Gods plan, even though you may not feel like it. You may feel like you've done something terribly wrong and messed it all up, but really, you could be right where God wants you. I'm pretty sure that lesson was written for me.
Anyway, so we were given paper and I just tucked mine away in the filing cabinet that is my Bible.
Last Monday, I wrote my letter.
I'll have to say it was the most amazing thing in awhile. It really opened my eyes and shined a light on things in life. I came to realize that I need to rearrange my life's priorities. I need to make sure that I'm making God my number one priority. Letting Him lead me in life, rather then I lead, get lost, and ask for guidance then. I also realized I do need to get more involved. I need to get involved in my own life. I realized how easy it is to feel sorry for yourself, and let life go by. Those are two separate things, I just happened to have been caught doing both. If I put my focus on God and let him be in control, I will have a lot more clarity, less confusion, and a much better outcome.
Though I still have hard days (as everyone does) I am so excited as I can see how God is working in my life, and really opening me up. I feel so blessed with the opportunities I am handed and hope to do the best I can with them. Though it won't always easy, I look forward to continuing my growth and certainly my walk with the Lord! :)

Philippians 4:13
Jeremiah 17:7-8

OH! OH! OH!!!

Guess what time it is!! Guess, guess!!!!! That's riiiiiiiiiiiiight!! It's get ready and excited for Christmas time time!!!! I am soooooooooooo pumped. There's a small chance I should feel a little down that I didn't really do anything too exciting with my summer. I barely went to the beach - and as most of you know.. my big trip didn't work out. That is a bummer.. And now summer is wrapping up and it's too late. BUT, you know what comes after summer?! CHRISTMAS!!!!!
I am so excited I can't begin to tell you!
First it will start off with Halloween and I get to see all those cute kids in their cute costumes. (Halloween also means "lady appointment time though.. The not so exciting part! "Just relax." Yeah. I'll just kick back and enjoy an umbrella drink while you shove that thing way up in me and poke me with a couple sticks.. "Relax" Pff.. Anyway)
After Halloween is time to eat yummy food. I'll already be in Christmas shopping mode (as I already am) and people will slowly be trickling into the holiday cheer attitude. You know, the one that really only sticks around for about a month and half. But it's there none the less and I love how everyone (most people) suddenly kick up a little more respect for other people. It makes the world a brighter place.
Or is the all the lights? I love the lights. I love the colors. I love to make Christmas chains and I want to bake cookies (I tried last year but it didn't really work out. This year's the year!) I love Christmas music. I love the carolers. I love children in Christmas plays (again, something that didn't quite work out last year. This year I hope to make it to the play.) I love the smell of Christmas trees and the smell of chai.
I love the giving and the love that people let out of themselves this one time a year. It's a shame we seem to lock it all back up once January hits.
You may notice signs around Christmas time that read: "Jesus is the reason for the season".
This is true. And I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't turn his calendar to January and quit loving others with as much enthusiasm.

OH! I am sooo excited! Lights, and cookies, and chains, and trees and the Christmas movies and love for one another in the air!!! This time of year really goes after all of my senses. I just love it!
Man, am I pumped!
I wonder if it's too early to wear a hat at work....

Uhh... Go team go?

I'm not what one would consider a "sports fan". I don't really care about those things.
I mean, I like to have my little (mostly Meg and I) super bowl party, but that's mostly for the chips and dip. - It also gives me an excuse to wear sweats, sit like a guy, and belch loudly. I know I do all those things anyway, but it's more acceptable on super bowl day.
I also enjoy watching the gymnastics during the Olympics. I love how they can run and jump and twist (and land!) with a grace I will never have. Also, it reminds me of watching the Olympics in TN with my sisters. We had a favorite girl back then "The Russian duck lady". I know it's not nice, but I can't go back and change her name now.
So I watch the gymnastics and pretend to watch the super bowl. Not really "sports fan" qualified in my opinion. I just don't care about those things like some people do. I'm not into it.

So last night I take my not-sports-fan self into my room to see if I can finally catch the gymnastics. All I seem to get is the swimming and volleyball. I turn on the TV and it's the volleyball again. It's the May/Walsh team. I watched them the night before. They're pretty good. I guess I'll watch.

I suddenly find myself laying oh-so-lady like on my bed going "Get it get it get it!!! Oooh!"

Wait..
What?
What is going on? I don't care about things like this..then I realized, I think I might....

I recently-ish went to PIR with a friend. They had a place set up with cones and what not for people to go around and try to beat each others time. There was a guy giving rides for $5. My friend came up to me and said "Hey! You wanna go for a ride?.. Wait right here.."
I didn't even get to answer.
Five dollars and about 15 minuets (??) later I'm buckled in and ready to go.
Before we took off I asked the driver how fast he usually goes. He said he doesn't make it out of first. Blah. Fortunately, there were some good turns in there that made up for it. The ride was short, but I liked it! Most people wouldn't expect it out of me, but it's true. I like to go fast. And I like some good turns!
Here's an awesome (not so awesome) picture to document the event (this is pre-drive):



And Derek,(he's just a giddy little school boy here!):



That's not so bad though right? Speed. Some people like speed. I'm one of them. I can live with that.
But thinking about cars made me think of this video:



I'd seen it before, but I watched it again the other day and thought "That sounds nice!"

WHAT?!?!?! That sounds nice?! A car that sounds nice should be anything that doesn't go "clank clank putt putt putt putt putt.."

WHAT is going on here? Why am I suddenly yelling at the volleyball players and thinking cars sound cool..

This is just ridiculous.

The facts of life (not just a hit tv show)

I'm not really sure where to begin. This year is fast and full of change. I've done more growing, and met more people in the last six months, then I probably have in the last six years. Some of it's really hard. Some of it scary. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy and that scares me!! Sometimes I find myself in a mess and unsure how to fix it - or even if I can fix it. Those are the time I have to wait it out. Be patient and hope for a second try.

I've done a lot of self-reflecting and overall feel pretty good about things. I've met wonderful people, and come to find out, they accepted me as I am.
Yesterday a friend told me they wish they could be open like I am with how I feel. And today a woman mentioned how I say what's on my mind and she seemed to like that about me. It made me feel good! But just so we all know, it's not always easy to say how I feel.. but what good does it do me to keep it all bottled up inside?

My life is kinda like a ride lately, and I apologize for not really being around. I'm constantly contemplating. Changing. Adapting. Growing. - Not to say that all that can't be done with friends around, I'm just trying to figure myself out. And apparently I'm not very good at balancing (though, I always knew I wasn't very graceful!)

It can be hard, all this change. Finding the right people to go to for the right things. Kicking old habits (to the curb, that is!) I find I have a lot of inner struggles that I'm working out at this time. Some one told me that if I were in a ring with myself, they didn't know who would win. Amen to that!
I know that in time, it will all be worked out. It's just a process that you can't rush. (which is kind of the difference from being in the ring and dealing with life... I can't just punch some one in the face and call it good!)

This year is Kah-rA-Z.. but good. And I thank you all who have been a part of my change - my support. And I thank you all who have been wondering where I've been but have continued to love me despite my absence. I haven't forgotten you. :)

Though I will forever be growing and changing (as we all are) the dramastic-ness (it's a hip new word) will die down and hopefully you won't have given up on me and will accept me as the person I am coming into.